Urban Trail Mix

Can't Sleep

2012-01-28T03:44:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I wish I had my [Not really-maybe?Almost] family by my side. I'm talking about Katrina and Jack. I don't even want sex. Just to hold her. Just to hold them both at the same time. Maybe one day I will have a family of my own... Until then I will just throw myself in my work.

2012-01-27T22:45:00.001-08:00

When we have these types of conversations I feel the divide. I don't know that I will ever get past it. I'm not one of them. I need a new self perspective.

2012-01-25T00:30:00.001-08:00

I miss my baby. I can't wait to hold her. Kiss her. Tongue her down. Pull her hair. I'm not even on tour & she isn't even in Med school. Imma get you baby :)

2012-01-23T05:40:00.001-08:00

I woke up from a odd dream @ 5:00AM on the dot. I blame the Sushi & the fried Tempura for that dream.

2012-01-19T16:20:00.001-08:00

I'm back on my Mojo shit... Hahaha!

2012-01-19T14:10:00.001-08:00

I could do without all the drama. I could do with out all the exaggerations... Just give me my fucking drum set. Goddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

2012-01-18T02:08:00.001-08:00

I remembered when he called me that Friday. I was so mad at him. I didn't want to talk to him. I hung up in his face twice. On Monday I found out he died. Pride

2012-01-15T18:24:00.001-08:00

This is a good lesson for me... A very good one *thumbs up* to the wackness. The "This is why I tweet" chronicles should really be a book. #JustSaying

2012-01-11T09:32:00.001-08:00

Wow, I'm so surprised that my dream ended in a Wedding. Goddamn! It was exciting and I was so nervous but happy. No details. Keeping my crazy to myself on this.

She Makes Me Feel...She moves Me 1/1/12 - Post #Shameless

2012-01-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

When I look at her I just fall weak. It's like my heart is taken captive by her. Her eyes are so beautiful and tell of her heart. SHE MOVES ME. I mean, seriously. I'm not using these words for flattery or even to make my myself sound like a word-smith. This is merely me trying to articulate my emotions in the most transparent of ways.

When I first saw Katrina I thought she was absolutely beautiful. And I do mean absolutely beau-ti-ful. There was something in her eyes that caught me and drew me in. I SWEAR on the truth in me. I've seen and been in the company of beautiful women but the first times I laid eyes on her inside of the LACMA Museum I was FLOORED. The way I feel about music is how I feel about her. I remember telling here that she reminded me of Jupiter, of The Planets Movement.

I THINK SHE IS THE ONE and I do mean THE ONE. They say love changes and so do people. Maybe I'm wrong... Maybe she doesn't feel for me the same that I do for her, but I know MY TRUTH and that is what I feel. This is what I know and am experiencing.

Yes she has a mean strut, is educated, comes from decent stock and is super attractive and has regal locs but those things are perks. There is SOMETHING IN HER EYES that makes me want to LOVE her. I feel like YELLING all of this just to let it out.

Earlier today I read a tweet that said, "@TimMcRAW: The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets, the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears, and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain." <------ I believe this to be true about her eyes. There has always been something about her eyes that I've just wanted to love even before I knew to love her. It has always been there.

I know I risk becoming overly neurotic and obsessed with this next statement but it's important that I make myself available to whatever the Universe has in store regarding my love life with her, so here goes.... Even if she's not supposed to be my wife, she deserves someone that's going to LOVE her through her eyes. Eyes like that have a heart that I find utterly interesting and deserve nothing less than LOVE. I hope I'm the Love to do it but if I'm not, God, bring her the love that she deserves. *in tears* I know she's difficult and I would like to ask you for her hand but God, I want to be paired with a woman that Loves and wants to reciprocate the same, if she's not to be the one for me.

Katrina brings a new perspective to me about myself, especially as it relates to my dynamics with other women, intimacy, how I carry myself and her indirect challenge to make room, restructure the way I think about she and I and to keep her in my heart and sight as 'The Woman In My Life' and reevaluate how I treat and respect her position in my life. I think she's asking for exclusivity and I'm giving it but there's another level of awareness that she's trying to bring to my attention...I'm working on it actively. I'm sure there is still some pieces of my heart that need to be circumcised. She drives me nuts, makes me mad, is critical but there's something in her eyes that connects with my heart & compassion and that makes me feel that she's worth the work.

At my birthday party I whispered to her... "I don't want to jinx anything but I hope you're the one for me". She replied the same... I was sweetly surprised. Maybe I will look back at this post and read it to her and smile if she is to become my wife. On the other hand, I could look back and reminisce and send her good luck vibes while she finds other love.

I'm still growing. I'm sure she's still growing. Hopefully we will continue to grow together. I hope she feels the same... If not, this heart has felt horrible pain before, I will eventually smile again. I just hope I'm smiling with her by my side.

-Me

2012-01-08T21:57:00.001-08:00

The world may not agree but I know when I kiss her I feel truth. When I look at her I'm being honest.

2012-01-08T19:53:00.001-08:00

*Makes Pouty Face* I hate not spending time with her. Boooooooooooo :( I'm such a pouty baby. I need to move into my own Apt. soon.

2012-01-07T23:43:00.001-08:00

I haven't owned a TV in 4 years (my entire time back in Los Angeles). This is going to be weird...

2012-01-05T13:10:00.001-08:00

I often have a need for quiet. I like people but need my own space to escape their calamity. Organic. Space. Creativity. All of which help me perfect my craft.

1/1/2012

2012-01-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling festive. Every time that I've felt festive someone and their attitude comes along and shits on it. This is why I move solo. My reasoning is, 'as long as I make my own plans and do my own thing all will be good. I will be good'. Rolling solo isn't so bad but it has it's lonely times. I thought being in a relationship cures or curves that feeling...?

All bullshit aside, I'm REALLY disappointed that she couldn't pull her attitude together tonight. Shit, personally I wasn't impressed with the performers performance. I mean, it was good but I wanted to be wowed. I wasn't and that was okay. My girlfriend's presence alone made it better. She looked beautiful. Taller than me and all. I was just happy to be out with her on New Years Eve since my last year's was pretty bogus.

She stood with her arms folded the entire night. We stood next to each other but didn't talk. You wouldn't have had any idea that we've been dating almost a year. I asked questions to spark a convo and all I got was her making a bunch of damn faces. I fucking hate those disrespectful ass faces. Her attitude was distasteful, tacky and uber frustrating. Even if we went to a fucking bowling alley and ate stale as chips, it's fucking New Years Eve for gods sake. We didn't even kiss at the end of the countdown. Word!?!

That sort of attitude is something that I won't deal with.

This definitely makes me not want to plan anything else for us. Yea, I won't be doing it. If there's somewhere I want to go, I will plan for me and I will ask if she wants to come along. I won't plan anything else. Not even dinner and especially not anything around the major events/valentines/birthday/holidays. Oh hell no! I really could have saved my money. Shit, I should be saving money to move but I'm sacrificing to put a smile on her face, of which she didn't do not ONE FUCKING TIME! I'm fucking sore from moving 3 days straight, Racquel, Rani and myself. Shit, I didn't even finish moving until after 5pm.

TRUST me, I would have rather been home soaking in a fucking tub and watching a movie or at a nice hotel cuddled up and eating Thai food. Ah well... **But this will end up being my fault because I'm a poor and unthoughtful planner. Had I done A-Z differently she would have had a good time". Never mind the fact that I asked her for input and what she wanted to do. "You pick, Babe".

I plan and she has a gripe. Well, fuck the planning egg shells. I haven't walked on them with others and I won't now!

...I'm just really disappointed that she really didn't get it together & she really stood next to me the entire night and didn't say shit to me. She didn't touch me and didn't fucking smile...for THREE FUCKING HOURS. Three fucking hours!?! Man, I need to cut-up and start acting the way she does and then she can get a whiff of how that shit feels.

In any case it's 4:15am. I'm beyond sleepy.

2012-01-01T00:05:00.001-08:00

Happy New Years. It"s 2012. Standing next to K @ the House Of Blues. It's a hard crowd... Oh well.

2011-12-28T23:44:00.001-08:00

Because I have less at this point than I ever had in my entire life I'm wondering if this is God's way of making sure I'm never lazy like them (him). Wondering.

2011-12-25T20:59:00.001-08:00

Today is Christmas. I almost felt excited but for the reason I no longer feel excited I will keep to myself. Next Xmas....maybe. *Shrug*

2011-12-24T16:11:00.001-08:00

[Career] I will have the things I want and will do what is in my heart. #MyTop5 NSM/ NSMP/ SC4A / YCP/ FANINC. Self made Mogul

2011-12-23T22:54:00.001-08:00

Since I don't have family, I should start making plans to be in other States for holiday. NOLA for ThxGvn. IDK where for Christmas... Sounds like a good plan.

2011-12-23T22:36:00.001-08:00

[Sitting in my car] This is definitely a holiday season of TRANSITION. I wonder where I will be next year around this time. I guess I'll go inside & read.

2011-12-22T16:14:00.001-08:00

I don't feel as intelligent as I once did when I lived in Boston. Los Angeles is causing me to become stupid.

2011-12-20T23:11:00.001-08:00

I'm tired and sleepy but I have to pack...

2011-12-19T16:03:00.001-08:00

I always want to save everybody. Pastor Lewis told me that I can't fix everything. Maybe this situation with my mom is one that I can't fix. :(

2011-12-16T18:05:00.001-08:00

Damn. I love my woman. We have our moments but they are just moments. I can't wait to see her and hold her in my arms. This woman is all mine. :D

Sunday, 12/4/2011

2011-12-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

It felt soooooooooo good to spend time with her today. I just need to be in her presence. We could have just taken a nap together (and I don't nap) and that would have been great with me.

Hours before we met I kept saying to myself. "I can't wait to see her face. Oh my god, I can't wait to kiss her." The production week was so long and all I wanted to do was be under her. I just wanted to love on her. Cuddle. I miss my girlfriend. I miss waking up to her.
I haven't really seen her. She watched some #MNF with me last week but that was it. However, I definitely enjoyed her being by my side.

I'm pretty much swimming in love for her.

Compliments by TANK

2011-11-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

If you're listening...

\O/ Breath In, Breath Out (11/272011)

2011-11-27T01:58:00.001-08:00

I'm all for some things being constant, like, Love, affection, understanding, dreams. You know, the good shit. But lately I can't help but to feel like I'm really going through a post-quarter life crisis. My mind is consumed with my career, my relationship, death, me not feeling like I'm reaching my goals and not because I'm lazy or not working hard. I just feel like I'm in a morbid assed cycle. I'm sure it reads rather simple but emotionally this is beyond draining.

I'm doing about 85-90% of shit right. The other 10-15% is put to good use. Making attempts to seem "normal". I am recovering work-a-holic that is in need of ________. I doing all that I can. I just hope that the Universe comes to meet me soon because I will soon have my back up against a huge wall. So, I'm constantly trying to to anticipate those feelings... just another task that I consumed with during my 10-15% or normalcy.

She's said some things to me that have me stressed out and not really enjoying the bumps in my career road. I doubt that she even knows. I'm really stressed out but trying so hard.I can't talk to her about it. I don't think I will attempt again either. I've never felt like I couldn't and shouldn't talk to the person I dating. I'm not sure how much longer I can suffer in silence without wanting to talk to someone else.

Death has been on my mind. My mom started talking to be about her funeral and the arrangements again. This talk was about a week and a half after my car accident. Crazy shit!!

Let me go to sleep. Maybe when I fall asleep my brain will go on a mini vacation from this and all the other shit on my mind.

\O/

2011-11-23T15:09:00.001-08:00

Talking with my mom about her funeral arrangements... The day before Thanksgiving.

2011-11-23T10:02:00.001-08:00

This time last year I was in New Orleans getting ready for the Bayou Classic festivities & hanging out with the locals in the French Quarter listening to music.

2011-11-22T13:06:00.001-08:00

I've been applying for jobs out of state here and there, but if something does come through, I WILL MOVE. I need a small change.

Creative ben (Whatever it takes, Baby. RAW)

2011-11-22T00:38:00.000-08:00

Walk with me, I want you to come talk with me.

Settle down now. Just listen. I'm not the most creative muthafucka but I got a clever way of telling my story.

Hold me hand and show me patience.

It's been a long night. Full of Lust and Cheating.
I know what you're going to say. Settle Down just listen.

I didn't mean for things to get out of hand. You hugged me a little too tight. You grabbed my back and.welp, there went my hands.

I know it was wrong but we've been feeling that way for a while now. Secretly fantasizing. Texting thoughts. Fuck your man.

You actually got a nigga ready to leave my entire life, wife, car and career just for the pussy.

[You got my creativity flowing.]

I was once known as Creative Ben.

I've watched you powder your nose over the years. Thoses Italian Teal, not green heels you wear.My girl has a pair just like those. The ones on your feet. The look good on her, but better on you.

She's good to me but don't fuck me the way she used to. You on the other hand...you're into the freaky shit that i like. Rope and duct tape. walk fucking and show loving.

[Conflicted]

I love her though. She tap dances on my heart with her gaze. She reminds me of Bambii. Tall, beautiful legs, long.Reminds me of summer days, you know the good one.The ones that you can never get enough of. The ones that last all day long.

We met in a museum in Africa near a tree in Congo where I played my drum at.and she would go to study the sunset. She appeared like a Cherry Blossom, fresh, beautiful and mysterious. I had no idea that with every bat of her lashes I would fall DOWN, fast like the sunrise. Hoping she would ask my name. Wondering if she noticed me. Questioning my own talents. Contenplating just how soft her hands would feel. I had long to be inside her jacket pressed up againt her chest. I followowed her around the museum wondering if her heart beat matched that of the rhythm of drums.

She spoke and I responsded with a firm hello.Thinking to myself, i wonder if she notices my masculine mannerisum but my warm face. We met in Congo where I played my drums and she studied the sunset. So i can longer carry on with this affair becuase our story is worth preserving. I'm laying to rest the secret of you. I love US too much. X-ing out with a red pen the lies and mistrust. Selling all of infedelities pocession. I quit cheating with you on her.

-
--
---
----

Easy how we can forget a story so rich and wind up in the arms with someone else... So I illustrate these thoughts and words so I can keep before my heart the truth and beauty of our meeting.

Creative ben-
- - -

The Flying Lotus sent me on a mental trip. I know you're reading this being nosy. this is all written from a crative place. but, WHATEVER it takes to preserve us. NO EDITS/RAW.

2011-11-19T09:07:00.001-08:00

It's hard to remember your dreams while in the struggle.

2011-11-14T08:50:00.001-08:00

Slept like shit. I feel like shit.

2011-11-11T10:11:00.001-08:00

Today is the first day of shooting. This is going to be a very long day. LW also come into town. Holy Moses!!

2011-11-11T03:15:00.001-08:00

I can NOT talk to her about the SH situation. She would swear Im being self absorbed. It sucks that I feel like I cant talk to her. That's why I'm not friends

2011-11-10T20:17:00.001-08:00

Frustrated as fuck! I would rather be somewhere warm playing Marimba and drinking a Cape Cod. I need to jump 2 tax brackets so I can go whenever I want to.

2011-11-10T17:47:00.001-08:00

I need a good meal, hot bath & back rub, and some really good sex. In that order. Ah well.

2011-11-10T11:25:00.001-08:00

A big part of support is "being there" is asking helpful questions, checking on the other person, and having empathy. This is going to be a long weekend.

2011-11-10T00:50:00.001-08:00

I'm tired & stressed. I want to be babied but I won't dare say anything about it. I'm not comfortable nor do I want to be accused of being self absorbed.

2011-11-07T10:00:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I become jealous & angry of people that take things for granted. I wish I had the luxury of feeling comfortable in most situations. Oh well, I guess.

2011-11-06T18:49:00.001-08:00

Cooking dinner for myself..alone. If I didn't like myself this would be all bad. Being alone is wack but not too bad. This no-work on my off-day thing is WACK.

2011-11-06T15:22:00.001-08:00

I was going to post my blog from last night but I'm just not up for it. All I want to do is eat chocolate and lay in the bed. I feel blah today :(

2011-11-05T23:08:00.001-07:00

She's trying to assert herself in my life, marking her territory & grooming me. I need her to understand that my grooming for her is emotional. 10/31/11

2011-11-01T00:06:00.001-07:00

I spent the baby with big head after all. I had a pretty good Halloween. No Tim Burton or West Hollywood, just KAD and Leimert. I'm satisfied.

2011-10-31T14:27:00.001-07:00

So it's Halloween and I've canceled both plans. I'm not in the mood at all. I should probably rest anyway, I guess. Oh, and the counter never lies.

On the record pt. life

2011-10-31T01:23:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if my mother felt that way about my dad. I don't want her to become how my mom was about my dad. No woman should have to deal with that.

I'm not cheating and actually I'm aware of the lines. I hold myself accountable in front of you and when you are not around. Our perspective of the line is different. Naturally, given are character types but there's also our gender identity & expression plays a role in that.

I don't get the sense that you trust me. I do get the notion that you're guarded.

You make it seem like I should not have a contradictory feeling to anything that you are going through or have a opinion about.

What do you expect from me.

I think you take me for granted or at least went through a period that you did, outside of you being a princess in general.

You don't stroke my ego. It's as if you think by doing it that I'm going to wander off or start treating you like you're less than. That is so not true. That's not the case at all. I don't allow ot let women stroke my ego because I want my gf to do it, not other women. It's the same as a woman wanting to be told that she's beautiful and that she's a woman of worth and that she means a lot to her man. She wants to hear those things. A good man knows to do those things and other things in a effort to 'take care of home'. IF he know's the real value in his woman he will do those things without any apprehension. He won't withhold any good thing from her. We also won't leave it up to another man to fill the void in his woman's life. If another man or Stud tells you that you're beautiful in front of me or if someone says to me, 'your girl is beautiful' I say thank you. I take it as a compliment. I don't get alarmed. I know I make you feel beautiful. I don't doubt that I do.

Do you feel that confident about me. Ask yourself honestly.

Do you?

*reminds me of the time I asked you about sex and missing dick. Your response was, "if you take care of me I will be fine". *

Yes, I'm friendly with both men and women. I don't mind attention from women. Do I flirt, No. I'm clear about boundaries. Yes boundaries can be perceived differently but if asked, I am clear about where I stand. I usually put it out that I'm off the market before I'm asked. I do admit that I was once oblivious to peoples feelings for me (before dating you and sometimes now) but I'm more aware of that now. I also know that People Want What They Can't Have.

I hear you when you say that you have concerns... I also say to you

Have faith in me. Trust me. If you don't then that's something for you to figure out.

What concerns me is that you don't feel the need to tell me that I'm sexy (you've said those exact words to me). Why don't you? You see, my concern is your unwillingness to do so. And that I think you won't do so because of Pride. I could be wrong but I don't understand why you would feel the need to not tell me. Why would you feel the need to not do the things I like or ask for.

My stance on willingness goes a long way and says a lot. It makes me think a abundance of things...

I think what I'm also saying I don't think that it's just my friendliness that bothers you. I think it's your own feelings of not feeling like you're doing enough but I honestly don't think that you would be that honest with me or yourself.

I'm not saying any of this out of anger, spite nor sadness. Just calm honestly.

2011-10-30T23:29:00.001-07:00

I fucking love OTIS REDDING!!

The Tipping Point

2011-10-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend marks a turning point. I'm just tired. Tired of talking, explaining, being accused, dissed, and misunderstood. I don't feel appreciated. I just need a fucking break. I can't I really deal with the extra bullshit. She always feels the need to tell me what I'm NOT doing. Every (and I do mean every) argument we've had is ALWAYS a K -----> N direction. It's never N ------>K. She goes off on me and tell me all the things I not doing right. I've never been made to feel so self conscience every time I want to use the word 'I' in a sentence before. WTF son! I've never been accused of being a let-down so much. What she doesn't really understand or appreciate is that in spite of the constant yapping l STILL SHOW THE FUCK UP to this goddamn relationship and keep trying to be sweet & respectful. She won't honestly admit that if roles were reversed and I bitched her out as often as she does me she would have walked away months ago.

My problem, and I blame myself for this, is trying to keep the peace. But, I'm over that shit and in a major fucking way. It's not fair to me. This relationship is REALLY FUCKING tiring. I'm giving up from trying so hard. Fuck being giving and all that other shit. I'll just let things play out based on the work that she does. She doesn't feel appreciated, huh? Man please! She's so grossly stuck on what I'm not doing that she's genuinely missing all the sweet things I've been giving her. Don't project onto me. Do better. Go the distance. Do the internal uncomfortable work to make you and this relationship better. Just saying you're here and not doing any internal work on yourself isn't enough. It's okay for you to keep pointing out my flaws and keep sending me in the refiners fire to be better but you yourself are not being refined. You keep pushing me and you're going to push me away.

I don't want to be without her but I'm no longer afraid. I'm not afraid to be single. I'm not afraid to be lonely. I'm not afraid to be sad. Nope, not at all. She said, "yes!!!" she wants to be with me... I guess we'll see.

#CarSaturdayNightRevampedSundayToPost

2011-10-29T16:00:00.001-07:00

This shit is about me because it's mine. Duhh! Im tired today. Im over this shit. I want to be alone. Im over being censored. I'm not trusting. I need a break.

2011-10-29T06:40:00.001-07:00

I don't care that she reads my blog. I won't ever stop being honest. I refuse to censor myself. This is my only outlet. But do I trust her is the question?_____

2011-10-29T06:38:00.001-07:00

Wow, what a long ass convo. I swear that just made history. Unlimited Texting. *kisses phone* Up in 2 hours. I need a Vicodin. This is going to be a long day.

2011-10-28T13:32:00.001-07:00

We don't pay enough homage to the artists that made it possible for us. [African-American] musicians today.

2011-10-28T09:05:00.001-07:00

Now I'm in pain, rocking back in forth wanting to talk to you but I don't feel like I can share with you. I need to keep me first w/o you. Without resentment.

2011-10-28T09:01:00.001-07:00

"Screw you, you don't make me feel special, you treat me like everyone else". Even though I was good to her she still ended up resenting me. I can't win.

2011-10-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

I'm in so much fucking pain that I can't sleep. Here we go again, waking up out of my sleep in pain. "You had your teeth pulled, so what, get over it"...

2011-10-27T22:45:00.001-07:00

For the first time in 4+ years I am actually looking forward to the holiday season. I haven't felt this excited in yearsssss. #randomshare

2011-10-26T17:34:00.001-07:00

What could I possibly know about Love anyway? Maybe I'm just going 'round & 'round in circles. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be since there's no point.

2011-10-25T18:40:00.001-07:00

Why can't love just be easy...

2011-10-24T00:32:00.001-07:00

I wonder if/how long this relationship will last. I wonder. I must remember to keep my heart below it's baseline. It's the WAY shit is done. Can I trust her?

2011-10-23T23:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, she left. Wow. Im way cool. I'll be sure to look out for self from now on. Non-communicative, passive shit I can't deal with. Im making waves IDGAF. Tooth.

2011-10-23T22:31:00.001-07:00

I don't depend and I don't trust. A loyal Leo I am but it's usually not reciprocated. If I don't give you the chance to let me down, you won't. Pretty simple.

2011-10-23T21:51:00.001-07:00

This is why I do everything myself. No one can take care of me the way I do. I don't ever think people will come through for me. I use to it being that way.

2011-10-22T16:35:00.001-07:00

I make shit about you too much. Maybe I should become a little self absorbed? Im in pain but b/c ppl r coming over to see me you're not coming? WTF shit is that

2011-10-18T12:45:00.001-07:00

Today is a hard day. Still looking for a PT job. I hate not being able to do the things I need to. I just feel down today :(

2011-10-17T13:46:00.001-07:00

I think Im going to go back to school for Music & African-American Studies. I love science but not enough to major in it. I like Social Work & Psych but not yet

2011-10-15T05:58:00.001-07:00

My body wants her. I think make-up sex is going to be electric.

2011-10-14T01:04:00.001-07:00

WOW!!!! I can't believe I, little ol' me was asked to do such a awesome task! Order my steps.

2011-10-13T01:35:00.001-07:00

You know what... The Power Of Intentions are on my side. That's where my feet are planted firmly even if my heart feels weak. No one ever sees me for me. Bogus!

2011-10-13T01:30:00.001-07:00

Maybe she's not HER. Maybe this isnt going to work. I was hopeful for nothing. Again, I suck at this. Maybe I should denounce relationships since Im an asshole.

2011-10-13T00:00:00.001-07:00

I hate being misunderstood because I try so hard to be clear. Not condescending but clear. Maybe I should be alone since I've ran into this wall.

2011-10-12T14:45:00.001-07:00

You give a nigga the stars and they want the whole damn Solar System. Goddamn, there's some shit you just have to work for, damn!

2011-10-10T05:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get worried that I've fallen In Love by myself. She seems so calm & relaxed like nothing seems to ever bothers her. Is she playing me or am I crazy?

2011-10-06T00:41:00.001-07:00

#Part1 -- This shit is work!!! Self control and self accountability is a goddamn BEAST to master...Or at least *attempt to master, consistently. #REAL

2011-10-06T00:40:00.001-07:00

#Part2-- If a muthafucka is willing to curb old behaviors for themselves first & for the relationship ship... That's WHAT THE FUCK LOVE IS. #BongBong

2011-10-05T20:22:00.001-07:00

I'm realizing tonight that I've never fully unpacked anywhere that I've lived except for my last place in Boston but even then I felt a little odd. 10/2/11

2011-10-03T01:20:00.001-07:00

She loves. I can dig it. Just like when I pick the paper & pad up, She really means it.

2011-09-25T01:33:00.001-07:00

How did I know she wasn't coming over!?! I called this shit hours ago after she said she was coming over. I fucking knew it! I should have went out w/ friends.

2011-09-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't say those kind of words or think those kinds of thing. I'm still ill about mines and that is why I don't lean, fall or allow people too close.

How To Deal...

2011-09-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Fuck it!

Whenever I have these overwhelming feelings of love, excitement and nervousness about my relationship with her, I'm going to just whip out my phone and play a game. I will avoid and redirect myself the way she does. I wonder if that method is going to make me like her? I wonder if she could really deal with me being like her? If she says that I mean now she's going to really thing that I'm mean...well, she will most certainly think that I am guarded and short with her. She will think that I am combative. If I do go forward with this plan she's going to need some extra nerves. She already can not deal with being wrong and she if I become withdrawn or upset with her and she doesn't understand why I've become that way, instead of trying to understand or asking me what my issue is she defaults to being upset. It's a defense tactic. It's almost like she doesn't know what to do so she revert back to what protects her.. Too bad she doesn't know that I don't want to hurt her.

I found her!

2011-09-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

I just say here! (J.H.) I saw her on Facebook. She wasn't always online. Just to see her, even if only in a picture, made me smile. She was and continues to me instrumental in my recovery and growth. She's no longer lost. I found her without having to even communicate with her I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned from her.

One day I may reach out to her or maybe the universe will have her to reach out to me.

any how...

I found her.

*Smiles*

finally smiling. Me

2011-09-23T01:22:00.001-07:00

I'm always the on taking care of everyone and everything. I'm also doing for others. What are others doing for me?

Maybe I will go on strike from everyone and everything.

Who would listen? I'm not sure that anyone would listen.

I would take this time to for me. A vacation away from people.

Time to myself. Days of silence.

NO SOCIAL MEDIA. NO TEXTING. NO EMAILING...fuck it. NO PHONE! Just me and my books. Spending my times eating and drinking the things I want and READING until my little heart is tired of reading.

If I get this gig, I may take a weekend to myself. It will be a late BIRTHDAY GIFT TO MYSELF.

In fact, the only gift I got this year was my music video in a film festival. But enough about that...that's in a blog that i did not post...but I'm sure that someone will make that out to be my fault. Humph!

Yeap, TIME TO MYSELF. Reading, Eating and Drinking (Ccape Cods, Soda, Lemonade, Tea, Iced Coffee). No one to take care of, worry about, pick up/drop off, visit, cook for, consider, etc.

finally smiling.

-Me

signed...

2011-09-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

It's over 12 years and I'm still feeling the symptoms. I'm ...

I hate the God made me this way. I hate that I care. I would love to not give a fuck the way most do. The song "Solider Of Love" has a completely different meaning for me.

She triggers my anxiety. I miss Janine.

Janine, I guess I'm still on a Bear Hunt.

Janine,

I miss sitting with you. I miss our talks. I miss the space that we created. I miss the space that you gave to me. I hope you still have the painting that I made for you. I wonder if you're still in the profession? I really, really, really miss you. I hope that you're mother is doing well or transitioned in peace.

Honestly Janine, if I would remove this portion of my life I would and just carry on with my won life.

In any case, I hope you're doing well.

My Blackness, Your Bullshit

2011-09-22T00:51:00.001-07:00

`The other day my commitment to my Blackness was under scrutiny and not by a random stranger; my girlfriend. She said that I, based on evidence (words, mostly) "Romanticize Other Cultures More Than My Own".

At this very moment that brings to mind the statement that was made against me that I seem like the type of black person that dates outside of my own race. And it's implied more to mean, "do you even date black women?". What the fuck kind of statement is that? I date all women. I'm not hung up on race. I know who I am. I know the struggle of my people. I walk around in my BLACK skin every day. I have been denied jobs. I have been called a nigger. I have had white women grab the purses as I walk towards toward them going in the opposite direction. I have been asked if I am a recipient of Affirmative Action. Countless times I have been the only Black person at my jobs. I never water down or hide who I am. If anything I've gone to bat for us as a people in some of the most racially charged topics, productions and settings. I constantly protect who I am and who we are as a people against others.

I am a trailblazer in my own right.

Can you say the same?

I have encountered shit that you have no idea about. So Fuck you and your high-and-mighty ass for throwing stones at me and in front of my feet.

I can be black and full of life and culture without always having to be on the defensive, because I have a full understanding and know very well who holds the real power. And just in case you were wondering 'the power' isn't about WHO has the upper hand or the best reverse psychological advantage, but he who holds HUMILITY. It's that humility that makes it possible for me to be a bridge. I understand very well the 'Black Code Of Conduct' that blacks use to regard/judge other Blacks. I guess I have to fight my own even if they don't see the bigger picture. then I guess not only fighting the other side, I'm fighting my own side was well... I just didn't think that I would have to fight my own girlfriend.
. . .

I never would have thought that you would have said something like that to me. I never imagined that you would view me in such a way. As much as I say I enjoy that we are share being "bilingual and having to represent our culture constantly in minority settings' and that I enjoyed that we have the fact that this social-commonality existed between us... I really thought that we had that mutual understanding. I did not think that I would be indirectly partitioned to "hide" or be questioned in my own relationship.

I'm at a loss for words.

2011-09-16T00:55:00.001-07:00

The Good Time + The Bad Time = The I Don't Know Times

2011-09-15T22:41:00.001-07:00

Does she think that she's better than me? I embody my Blackness differently than you. You don't know me or my Blackness. Open your 3rd eye, Dear.

2011-09-15T22:35:00.001-07:00

She sounds like and reminds me of Danielle saying to me that I didn't have any soul. Wow!!!

2011-09-11T17:49:00.001-07:00

A strong inner-core is greatly needed when dating.

2011-09-08T11:18:00.001-07:00

I wish I had a safety net in times like these.

2011-09-06T15:19:00.001-07:00

We made it through summer! I knew we would I just didn't know how it would work with her sisters being home for summer break. It did! They are awesome girls.

2011-09-05T04:08:00.001-07:00

I hope I didn't jinx this by saying, 'I think you're the one'. Silly me.

2011-08-15T13:47:00.001-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY To ME!!

2011-08-07T10:26:00.001-07:00

I need to tap back into SGI

2011-08-07T09:46:00.001-07:00

Frustrated

2011-08-06T22:41:00.001-07:00

Something tells me that even after she takes the MCAT things are still going to be this way... Deal Breaker? IDK but it's frustrating as fuck. I'll just do me.

2011-08-03T17:54:00.001-07:00

Anticipation until the next time I can hold her endlessly gives me ELECTRICITY. Goddamn, I miss her and I just dropped her off at home. #LoveDrug

2011-08-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

Test

2011-08-01T17:36:00.001-07:00

This woman keeps breaking my heart. She doesn't know just how much she hurts me.

2011-07-30T23:41:00.001-07:00

Test

2011-07-28T05:30:00.001-07:00

I love my baby... Dude, it's 5:28am and I'm working on my BP & this Frank Ocean has her on my mind like crazy. I can't wait to kiss her. I miss her. #imThrowed